03 January 2012


Why do you do this to yourself? You always regret doing it, and then I have to help you pick up the pieces.

What do you mean?

This. Forcing yourself to remember things you can't control. Investigating into the world of possibilities you are nowhere close to having for yourself.

Look, I'm just bored. It's nothing. I'm fine.

Yeah for now. I don't care if it'll hurt your feelings. I'm sick of being here as your fall-back for when all your friends are asleep and you have no one to talk to.

Okay, sure. I'm a little melancholy. There's no reason to freak out over this. So just... Let me get back to what I'm doing.

And what's that?

Browsing. Just browsing.

Yeah, uh-huh. Then what will that turn into?

Nothing. It won't turn into anything.

You can't just deny the fact that you're jealous.

What are you talking about?

It's like we're playing one big game of House and you're currently losing.

I didn't realize you could lose at “House.” Even as a kid, as long as you were happy, that's all that mattered.

Yeah, that's exactly it. Are you happy?

Not as happy as I COULD be, no.

Well then you're slipping, dear. That is enough to say that you're on the path to losing this game.

Look, I'm happy for those who have the things I don't, okay? Besides, when life is like playing House and you're living life like a list, it gets really fake. Who is to say that I want my life to be fake? Who is to say that I want life to be a list of things I would like to do, that I check off occasionally as things happen?

It probably could be, honestly. The way your life works, it wouldn't be a bad idea. And aside from that, you're obviously jealous, which, last time I checked, is far different from “happy.”

Shut up. I don't have a life like that. And I'm not jealous.

Woah, just making suggestions. You don't have to be crazy over it. Isn't that why we're talking here? So I can give you ideas and you can bounce back with another idea? Brainstorming. Problem Solving. This is what we do.

You're attacking again. You do that.

This isn't about me. Look, I'm sorry things suck right now. Is that what you want to hear?

No. That's not going to help. You know, I was fine until you brought all of this up.

It's because I know you're not truly happy. You can only deceive yourself for so long before you just... just get tired of life.

You're not helping. So yeah, I accept your sympathy over my problems. Does that help YOU feel better about yourself? Does that help YOU accept your faults?

I don't think you're frustrated with your faults.

What are you talking about?

You're frustrated because you were dealt a terrible hand by people you were supposed to trust. You're frustrated over things you can't control. If anything, that's more productive than just hating everything that's wrong with you.

I don't know what to say.

Okay, I admit, that last part came out wrong. But you know what I mean. You don't concern yourself with self-esteem issues because you are so beyond them. You've got bigger things to worry about. Why waste time hating yourself when you can waste time trying to fix problems that are mostly out of your control?

Is this supposed to be a pep talk? I'm lost. You're not improving my mood at all, so if it is a pep talk, you're crashing hard.

It's supposed to get you in line. It's not supposed to make you feel good. It's supposed to wake you up.

You're just telling me things I already know; things I ignore for a reason. I don't understand how this is supposed to wake me up.

I just think you're supposed to do something, go out and take ACTION.

I've done all I can do. I tried.

Then stop worrying about it.

I wasn't worrying until you brought it up.

You were. Maybe not on the outside, and maybe not in your thoughts, but in your subconscious, there rests that part of you, a rather large part, that isn't capable to accept any of this.

Well would you be able to? The last half of my life has been a nightmare.

Change that.

I can't. We've talked about this. My life is essentially in the hands of a small group of people, all of which have different ideas of what my life should be. I can either accept it and move with their plans, or fight. If I fight, I lose almost everything. If I give in, I lose myself.

Then fight. You can gain other things back, but you can't get yourself back.

I know. I'm trying.

Day by day, right?

As much as I can.

Well. I'm sorry that you're losing.

I don't think I'm losing.

What do you mean?

I just think I've stopped. My life is on pause.


Yeah. I've reached the point where I can't go any higher by myself. I just gotta find someone to help me.

And what's the problem with the people who are trying to help you now?

As stated before, they all have different ideas of what my life should be.


And they're tearing me to pieces.

I'm sorry.

We're beyond sympathy now.

I can still say I'm sorry.

Yeah well I'm sorry too.

Good luck.

Is that all you have to say now?

Honestly? Yes.

Thanks for trying.

Yeah. It's what I'm here for.